Feature: The Worst Films of 2012

As the end of the year fast approaches, it’s time for those highly original end of year lists. We’ve decided to start with the worst, because it’s more fun being mean – so here are our least favourite films of the year – from the pretentious to the downright abominable.

The Raven
The Raven feels like a desperate attempt to bring the work of Edgar Allan Poe to the masses – it just lacks any passion, style or gravitas.

Cusack a man completely committed to the role, ponders: “Did I feed the cat?”

Lovely Molly
Another Edinburgh International Film Festival premiere likely to make your toes curl with embarasment, was lackluster horror, Lovely Molly. It’s as generic horror schlock like no other – there is a subplot about horses and rape, everything that you want from a horror film, surely? Erm…

Lying in mud may be preferable to watching Lovely Molly.

The Master
Starting with the pretentious: Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master – a never ending stream of turgid tedium. We admired the strong performances from Phoenix and Hoffman – but these even proved too inaccessible, to relate to these characters. Despite the long running time, it feels like nothing is achieved or developed, resulting in The Master becoming a dull, sprawling, incoherent mess – a bit like the mess that Hoffman’s little master leaves in the sink.

“He shoulda done Boogie Nights 2”

The Cold Light of Day
How we wanted to like The Cold Light of Day – one of Henry Cavil’s first efforts as a cinematic leading man,  alongside Bruce Willis AND Sigourney Weaver. We were so wrong – straight to DVD Seagal flicks deliver more atmosphere, superior stunts and dare we say it, Mr. Cavil, but better acting. 

What does that title even mean?

The Fourth Dimension
One of the worst entries of this years Edinburgh International Film Festival was abysmal anthology, The Fourth Dimension. Three segments, tenuously linked by the scientific principle of the fourth dimension (we’re not sure either) – all of a substandard quality. Part of the soundtrack was recorded on a mobile phone app – that should give you an indicator as to the quality you should expect.

Val Kilmer, don’t pretend that bike is your size.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
This po-faced action-horror farce is actually as appalling as the title would suggest. Had Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter embraced the ridiculousness of said title and dropped the serious pretense, it could have been a lot of fun. We’re still holding out for Jimmy Carter: Ghost Buster though.

Lincoln Serious Face

Taken 2

Taken 2, another action film we were rather excited about, which proved nothing more than a soulless cash-in. The many issues include it’s ruthless editing process – how the series can go from an 18 certification to a 12A is beyond us. The creative team behind Taken 2 seem to think use of the Drive soundtrack is enough to inject life into this bland schlock, but this simply falls flat – looking like a bland move to earn some edgy credibility. If you enjoy watching Maggie Grace limply throw grenades off a rooftop, then you may disagree with our findings.

Neeson unsure whether to cuddle or kill.

Dark Shadows

It’s heartbreaking to think the same man that made such classics as Batman Returns and Mars Attacks! made the truly awful Dark Shadows.The gothic camp of the classic soap opera has been exchanged for disjointed plot and  humour, as well as a borderline unbearable performance from Johnny Depp – proving Burton’s and Depp’s partnership is one that NEEDS a rest.

Burton’s frequent collaborators gather to mourn his credibility.

The Amazing Spider-Man
We hope that Marvel drop the ‘Amazing’ from the upcoming Spider-Man sequel, otherwise they might be sued for false advertising. Marc Webb’s film just does not cover enough ground to justify rebooting a perfectly fine series. We’ll take Tobey Maguire’s emo-Spidey over this any day.

Don’t pretend you’re impressed by this crap, Emma Stone.

Highway to Hell

Regardless of how poor the above films are, they all retain an element of technical competency. Unfortunately, Highway to Hell breaks this trend. We can safely say that Highway to Hell is the worst film that we have ever seen. It is truly incompetent from the cartoonish effects to O’Toole’s narrator visibly reading his lines from a shriveled piece of paper. Not to mention the out of sync dialogue and the ridiculous, nonsensical plot. This is an embarrassment to the world of filmmaking.

The most incompetent film ever made? We think so.

Leave a Reply