This blog has been sorely lacking in some pure unadulterated trash in recent weeks. Despite a hectic schedule, time has been cleared to craft this groundbreaking piece of journalism that will surely revolutionise the lives of our two dozen readers.
You are unlikely to find anything quite as trashy as the celebrity fitness/work-out video (apart from possibly the ‘actress embarking on a musical career’ (watch this space) or ‘serious novel’). Being the pop-culture slags that we are, we have taken a look at the downright campiest and trashy celebrity fitness videos for your pleasure.
10. Estelle Getty -Young at Heart – Body Conditioning
70 year old Getty has a lot of fun, opening by telling viewers “I wasn’t always the fitness Goddess you see here today.” The actresses wit aside, Estelle’s Young at Heart – Body Conditioning is about as beneficial to your health as eating sticks of lard. Estelle and her buddies practice tasks like slowly putting your hands together and sitting down.
9. Raquel Welch – Total Beauty and Fitness
My God, Raquel is a Queen, and if any actress could embody the spirit of this site it’s her. She’s done it all – the trashy movie roles, the even trashier single and as we are about to see, the fitness masterpiece.
Raquel and her cult take part in a bizarre fitness rituals, as the actress provides sultry narration set against cheap high energy music. Hearing the zebraskin lycra-clad Raquel’s patronising viewer banter is so much fun, as is hearing her make statements like “Hold you buttocks, tighten your legs and pretend you’re a sphinx!”
To make things even more sinister, Raquel spends most of her time glaring down the camera lense with a dead-eyed smile to make sure you feel supported during your workout. Thanks Raquel, I can feel the pounds just pouring off as I write this.
8. Shirley MacLaine – Inner Workout
Shirley’s workout video is rather high brow, delving into levels of consciousness and stress therapy, but one cannot deny that it is also hilarious. Check out the clip below where Shirley does some crazily loud exhaling in the style of Linda Blair’s turn in The Exorcist.
When the soothing music kicks in and the penis of the statue behind begins to glow amidst hallucinogenic patterns, Shirley’s Inner Workout becomes more of a terrifying LSD trip.
7. Heather Locklear – Your Personal Workout
Starting like a leg-foccused soft porn movie, Heather’s Your Personal Workout turns into a near spiritual experience with its breathtakingly diverse fitness techniques.
Heather and her friends introduce us to funky marching – where fitness aficionados step from side to side whilst clapping their hands to soft eighties rock music.
Not quite content with simply creating the now-iconic concept of ‘funky marching’, Heather revolutionised the fitness video by splitting her workout in three defined sections – Energy, Power and Grace. The Grace segment is when things go into trash euphoria – sleazy trumpet music plays as Heather portrays the art of pelvic thrusting. Anything but graceful, but that’s why we love you Sammy Jo Carrington.
6. Mark Wahlberg – The Marky Mark Workout
Now here’s one that had us all hot and bothered. Young Marky Mark in the peak of his Funky Bunch fame, cashes in on his best asset – his body, for this sleazy nineties workout video.
Mark reminds us that foremost ‘he’s a rapper’ but fortunately he’s kind enough to share a few fitness tips (not that we were listening). The earlier sections of the Marky Mark Workout sees the oiled-up heartthrob flirting with an equally shining and particularly glamorous (for the nineties) fitness assistant – you could cut the sexual tension with a knife.
Mark is kind enough to wear as little clothing as possible in the later segments where he lifts things like weights and other fitness shit. It’s nice to watch.
5. Debbie Reynolds – Do It Debbie’s Way
This one is my personal favourite – who would have thought the gorgeous Debbie Reynolds would star in a gayer fitness video than one featuring an oiled up Mark Wahlberg?
As the titles roll (set against In The Mood) we see Debbie and celebrity pal, Shelley Winters having a little dance. Twenty seconds in an it is already the gayest thing imaginable. Debbie lies on the floor belting out showtunes as she lifts up her legs and continually comments on how crap this workout is. We’re sold.
Whilst Debbie loosely tries to keep control, we have the marvelous Shelley Winters lying at the back throwing out wisecracks and asking if ‘her bulges are meant to hurt?’
To make things even trashier we have the divine Dionne Warwick who appears in a small dance workout sequence and joins Debbie and Shelley for some pelvic thrusting (met with howls of laughter from an incredibly horny audience)
Debbie, thank you for this wonderful piece of trash.
4. Dixie Carter – Unworkout
Southern Belle, Dixie Carter wins the award for the hammiest workout video. The Designing Woman star warns viewers “Not to kill themselves” in her pre-workout pep talk – something which none of our other entrants had the decency to warn us about. Thank you, Dixie.
Dixie lies on the floor alone, making sly looks at the camera and tells us that she wants to ‘get acquainted with us’ as she advises viewers to stick their tongue out (‘like you’re trying to touch your chin’), roll their eyes to the back of their head and let out a long ‘Aaaaah!‘. Oh no, but what if you have a baby upstairs? Well don’t worry, Dixie has provided an alternative fitness technique to the masterful chin licking and demonic noises – the fierce whisper.
This is really the Citizen Kane of workout videos, so powerful that Dixie appears to give herself an orgasm by simply licking her chin.
3. La Toya Jackson – Step Up Workout
Michael’s more talented older sister, La Toya, released trippy workout video, Step Up (the inspiration behind the high-octane dance film series) back in 1993.
The trash aesthetic is clear from the onset with opening titles featuring Toy working out as, a variety of brightly coloured (and cheaply animated) shapes fly past her. If you haven’t passed out from the migraine inducing titles, the wise Toy informs dedicated viewers of the dangers of stepping.
If you haven’t been deterred by the perils of intense stepping yet, then watch Toy fearlessly conquer the steps with her butch army of fitness friends. They don’t get yellow jumpsuits like Toy though. Only Toy deserves a yellow jumpsuit.
2. Zsa Zsa Gabor – It’s Simple Darling
So you’ve made it to number two on our list of the trashiest celebrity workout videos. Be warned – we’re now reaching a level so low, the clips have the potential to mentally scar.
The glamorous Zsa Zsa and her two muscular (and completely non homosexual) friends, Mike and Francois teach us a workout that will please the man in your life (not that the completely non homosexual Mike and Francois would know).
Seeing the musclemen move Zsa Zsa into a variety of positions as the star continually refers to them as ‘dahlings’ is completely amazing viewing. Zsa Zsa’s flirting is incredible and it’s clear that she does not give a shit about working out. We cannot stress how perfect this video is.
“Waht you tink amm a sissy or sometin?”
1. Angela Lansbury – Positive Moves
Sweet, wholesome Angela Lansbury is our final addition to this list in the quite frankly, magnificent Positive Moves.
Angie tells us the importance of ‘self-massaging’ as the video explains in a rather elongated segment showing the Murder, She Wrote star caressing herself. For the legions of people brought up on the likes of Bedknobs and Broomsticks, seeing Angie in such a light, is somewhere between beautiful and disturbing.
She’s not just a pretty face though – Angie has so much wisdom to share – such as the art of on land swimming (it’s her invention you know) and her very own sex tips – which we cannot discuss due to the psychological repercussions.
Perhaps what makes Positive Moves so trashy, is the voyeuristic way in which the fitness video is shot. It really has to be seen to be believed.